Dont Say Sorry and Do It Again
When someone hurts usa, physically or emotionally, nosotros crave an apology. An apology rarely if always fixes the problem, of course, merely information technology does help. Later on all, an amends shows a willingness to change for the ameliorate.
Or does information technology?
The problem with apologies is that abusers know how much their victims want to hear them. To go on their victims nearby, then, they'll make apologies left and right without taking any real actions to improve themselves or make amends.
These are not existent apologies—they are manipulation tactics. Any counselor, therapist, or psychiatrist in the world will attest that an apology without change is manipulation.
How tin can yous tell the difference, though? What differentiates real apologies made past someone struggling to modify from manipulative apologies made by an abuser?
If you demand help determining whether you've been given a existent apology or if you're just beingness manipulated, here are some scarlet flags to lookout man for.
Why an Apology Without Change Is Manipulation
"An apology without change is just manipulation."
It'southward a pithy statement perfect for window decals and bumper stickers, but that doesn't make it whatsoever less true. It too doesn't make the phrase less scientifically right.
For at least the by two decades, psychological professionals have understood that a sincere apology contains iv distinct actions:
- Admission of a harmful action or behavior
- Statement of remorse regarding the action or behavior
- Realized promise to avoid (or attempt to avoid) that action or behavior in the future
- Offer to brand apology
It's important to note the linguistic communication in that third signal. It cannot be a blanket or empty hope—it must be a realized hope.
Types of Insincere and/or Manipulative Apologies
Not all insincere apologies are purposely manipulative. Often, they aren't fifty-fifty purposely insincere.
That doesn't make them acceptable, though, nor does information technology make a continued blueprint of giving such apologies less toxic. It can, however, make it more than difficult to determine when an amends is real and when information technology's a manipulation. Feeling true remorse isn't a fail-safe identifier of a sincere apology.
For this reason, it's important to larn to differentiate the unlike rationales behind insincere and/or manipulative apologies.
Guilty Censor
What the amends really ways: "I feel bad, and apologizing will brand me feel better. It isn't about making you lot feel meliorate—this is virtually me."
Whether nosotros mean to or not, most all of u.s. are guilty of apologizing to appease ourselves rather than the people nosotros hurt.
This doesn't mean that you lot're a bad person or a hugger-mugger narcissist. It'south a common self-defense method to protect our own emotions and vulnerability. By verbally admitting our guilt, we release some of that burden and ease our ain consciences.
We are too aware that, on some level, just offering an amends is often plenty to improve how people perceive us. In this 2006 commodity from the Journal of College and Character, author Hershey H. Friedman notes that "an apology causes the aggrieved party to have more than empathy for the offending party." In other words, the act of apologizing itself tin can be plenty to brand the person we've injure feel bad for us instead.
The Difference betwixt Guilt and Shame
Friedman's article goes on to explain that we desire this acknowledgment to assuage our ain negative feelings. When we do something that we know has caused another being pain, well-nigh people feel one of two emotions: guilt or shame.
Guilt stems from the noesis that we accept displayed "bad" behavior. We take committed some negative action, and one of the consequences of that activeness is a deep discomfort and desire to make amends.
Shame is a deeper emotion that stems from poor self-esteem. Instead of labeling only the activity or behavior as negative, people who feel shame internalize their discomfort and characterization their entire identity as negative. In other words, they recollect, "I'yard a bad person," not, "I did a bad thing."
Feeling either of these emotions is like toxicant to a chronic manipulator. Whether their discomfort stems from guilt over an action or shame over their own identities, manipulators find the sensation even more unwelcome than the boilerplate human. That's because shame and guilt serve as reminders that nosotros have made a fault past doing something wrong.
Manipulators cannot handle that realization, and they will exercise everything in their power to remove themselves from it. This ways that they volition gaslight their victims into thinking that the criminal offense never happened and apologize without whatsoever true remorse.
Statement Ender
What the apology actually means: "I'm tired of arguing, and so I'one thousand going to tell you whatever you want to hear."
This type of apology is given by manipulators and victims akin. At certain points, a situation or relationship tin go and then uncomfortable that the participants volition do or say annihilation to put an terminate to it.
That's where this amends comes into play. It doesn't stem from shame, guilt, or whatever real sense of remorse. It stems from a desire to put an finish to a confrontation, passive-aggressive behavior, and/or uncomfortable silence.
The most unfortunate trait of this type of amends is that it oftentimes comes across as more sincere than other types of manipulative apologies. What may appear to be a heartfelt want to put an end to a fight may actually be burnout and/or apathy.
While it is not recommended to "test" anyone with whom you're in a relationship (romantic, platonic, familial, or otherwise), a good way to weed out this blazon of apology is to say that you lot aren't washed talking. If the other person walks away or tunes yous out, chances are that they just apologized to end the statement. If they agree to mind, especially if they're clearly tired or annoyed, the apology was more than likely to be sincere.
Leading the Witness
What the amends really means: "By apologizing to y'all first, I expect you to apologize to me next. Later on all, it'south not actually my fault—y'all're to blame, too."
In court, the term "leading the witness" refers to a manipulation tactic wherein an attorney directs the witness on the stand to make a specific statement. It's basically a fancy manner of maxim "putting words in someone'southward mouth."
For case, during a murder trial, an attorney may testify the witness a picture of the murder weapon while asking, "The Defendant owns a weapon merely like this, don't they?" If the witness says "yep", then they have fabricated a vital correlation betwixt the Defendant and the criminal offence. If the witness says "no", even if they call attention to the nature of the question, and then they are causeless to be lying.
That's exactly how this type of manipulative apology works.
Similar the Argument Ender rationale, apologies in this category don't stem from genuine remorse. Rather, they come from the conventionalities that making an apology will force the other person to apologize, too. After all, won't they seem similar a jerk if you apologize and they don't?
This is, of course, a fallacy. While the phrase "information technology takes 2 to tango" (i.due east., no one person is responsible for a negative situation) is correct for many conflicts, information technology isn't right for all of them. A victim of corruption, physical or exact, is not in whatever mode responsible for the actions of their abuser.
Testing Boundaries
What the apology actually means: "If you accept this apology, then information technology means I can do the affair that hurt or bothered you again without consequence."
When children begin to experience autonomy, ane of the first things they do is test their boundaries. "Mom doesn't mind that I drew on this newspaper, then let's run across if I can draw on the wall." "Dad put me in time out when I pulled the domestic dog's tail, will he put me in time out if I do it over again?"
These are the types of activities that toddlers engage in. They aren't evil, or egotistic, or sociopathic. They're just learning which behaviors are acceptable and which ones are not.
At best, that's the mentality behind this kind of apology, too. No thing how quondam or otherwise mature the person offering this type of apology is, it stems from a very kittenish perspective.
Instead of viewing an accepted apology every bit a vehicle for forgiveness and personal growth, they see it as carte blanche approval to commit the harmful activeness once more. If they were really mad, they wouldn't have forgiven me, so that means information technology's okay to exercise this thing again.
In this scenario, the person who offers the apology equally a means of testing boundaries probably isn't doing it intentionally. Unfortunately, that isn't ever the case. Purposely manipulative people will use the aforementioned technique to see just how far they can button someone.
Ultimate Control
What the apology really means: "I know that my apology volition make y'all feel sorry enough for me or positive enough virtually our relationship to stay."
This is what most people envision when they retrieve about manipulative apologies. These are the sorries and promises that intentional abusers and manipulators brand to ensure that their victims stay put.
In some cases, in that location is an additional intention behind this sort of apology. Namely, the person giving the apology is hoping to gaslight their victim.
The term "gaslight" gets thrown around quite often nowadays, so information technology is important to ascertain what it actually means. Gaslighting is a form of psychological corruption in which the abuser attempts to convince their victim that their perception of reality is skewed. Examples of gaslighting can range from the innocent and noncommital, "Information technology wasn't that bad!" to the explicit, "Yous're just lying, and you know it!"
When abusers apologize with the goal of gaining ultimate control of their victim, gaslighting is ofttimes the method they employ. By apologizing, they place incertitude in their victims' minds. "They apologized to me, so they tin can't be as terrible as I think them being."
The moment that doubt takes root, abusers know that their victims are susceptible to further abuse. They will immediately counteract any violence or negativity with a grin or a compliment or a gift. Such deportment go along their victims guessing about who the abuser really is and whether or not they're calumniating in the first identify.
Apologies humanize people, and abusers know that. They depository financial institution on it. If yous notice that someone makes a habit of apologizing to calm you down or deflect your anger, accept it as a alarm sign that they're using that apology to gain ultimate command over you.
The Last Resort
What the apology actually means: "I don't experience bad about what I did or said. I feel bad about the possibility that you might exit and/or never forgive me."
Finally, manipulators may rely on an apology as a last resort for keeping their victim from leaving.
This last resort apology comes in two primary forms. The beginning is related to an apology with the goal of ultimate control. The manipulator knows that their victim will exit and/or accept a negative stance of them unless they repent, so they practise just that.
The second form is unintentional but no less manipulative for information technology. In this scenario, the manipulator problems a drastic apology borne from fearfulness. This manipulator isn't actively trying to gain command of their victim, they're simply doing whatever information technology takes to make them stay.
The first type of last resort apology tends to come from main manipulators, narcissists, and sociopaths. It is completely intentional, and the person making such an amends knows exactly what they're doing and why. The second blazon of last resort apology stems from poor self-esteem, codependency, and a lack of proper boundaries.
Makin Wellness
At the end of the twenty-four hours, an apology is simply an apology. "I'm lamentable," is just a string of words. No matter how close you are with someone or skilful yous think that person is, an apology without alter is manipulation.
That doesn't take to hateful that yous should remove that person from your life, though, nor does it mean that your relationship is unsalvageable. Every bit we've demonstrated here, plenty of people unintentionally offer insincere apologies because of their own doubts and problems.
That's why Makin Wellness of Pittsburgh hither to assistance. Whether you lot're dealing with addiction, grief, emotional instability, or human relationship breakdowns, Makin Health has an expert therapist on staff to help you overcome. To speak to a care provider or schedule your commencement engagement, contact us through our self-service form.
Source: https://www.makinwellness.com/an-apology-without-change-is-manipulation/
This Postal service Has 19 Comments
Shelley 24 Sep 2021 Reply
Give thanks you lot for this article.. I am currently stuck in this circle of empty apologizing.. He fifty-fifty says he knows what is needed merely never acts … Then says sorry …
I'm stuck
Hullo Shelley, Thanks for your comment. It sounds like the relationship could benefit from some new communication skills and techniques for modify. It's can be frustrating when alter does not occur after the apology is given. Our function would be happy to aid with that. Feel complimentary to accomplish out to us at intake@makinwellness.com or one-833-274-HEAL.
April Davis 11 Oct 2021 Answer
What nearly someone demanding you lot to have their apology and if yous don't they punish you lot.
Cheers for your reaching out, Apr. This sounds similar a rather serious class of control. It tin exist hard to gain back a healthy level on your own. We take experienced professionals who work with individuals only like you. Yous are not solitary. Give united states a phone call at 833-274-4325 and we can help.
Kc thirty Oct 2021 Answer
How do I explicate to my married man why proverb "I'thousand pitiful I don't live up to your expectations" or "I'yard sorry I'm such an @hole" isn't an actual apology? Considering he seems to think it is and he gets upset when I basically ignore the so called apology or suggestion that, that's not really an apology or if things have already tested my patience, I tell him to grow up. (I know that one doesn't assistance)
This tends to happen when I ask him to practise something differently similar throw the empty poptart box in the trash, not on the kitchen table (pick up after himself) or not to have his frustration out on me when he has a bad solar day. Something dumb like that. I know… I take really loftier expectations (eyeroll)
Or telling me he'southward not yelling when I tell him not yell at me, peculiarly when he's upset well-nigh something that has nothing to exercise with me.
Hi, thank you lot for your response. Sometimes meaning others create an apology that contains things that they recall the other person wants to hear. While this may seem condescending to you, he may feel information technology is advisable. While these responses can trigger acrimony, it is helpful to endeavor to exhale and reply to their apology with questions virtually why they feel that fashion. Nosotros tin help you come with meliorate forms of communication and find the answers you are looking for. Requite usa a telephone call at 833-274-HEAL or join us at our side by side Facebook Live Q&A. We promise to hear from you and wish you the best.
fifi 2 November 2021 Reply
What if youre truly apologetic
but yous say somethings which give off a bad aura? just you dont mean it, at all
i fear thats the reason my life is like this
Nay 3 Dec 2021 Reply
Hi, Shelley.
I have been going through the aforementioned thing….for 12 years. It began over different things. Simply over the past 2 years, it has been over the same thing…and has gone from once every six months to every 2-3 days. It has destroyed me. I'm pretty sure he's a narcissist…and I KNOW he gaslights me. I went from a confident, blithesome, outgoing person who loved life and had lots of friends….to a recluse who has no self esteem, and who is being hurt by someone who never deserved me to start with….and by that, I hateful….he has NEVER contributed a dime to the human relationship despite promises to pitch in;hasbinvaded my privacy, been fierce, horri ly verbally abusive, and does unspeakably savage things….then disappears, and resurfaces with apologies….and ordinarily a request for money and then repeats the behavior. He has cost me jobs, family….my joy. These days, I literally have pain in my chest daily from the hurt. It's been similar that for the past 5 years now….and each time he goes silent, I determine I must non permit him back to injure me more. Simply I'thou so devastated and isolated now that when he does announced with a vague, insincere apology that I KNOW isn't real, I'g and so desperste to not feel the heartache, that I end up choosing to 'pretend' it'south sincere….just for those few moments of relief. It reminds me of my childhood: choosing to believe my alcoholic dad daily, when he'd promise each morn for years on finish, that he wouldn't come domicile drunk and violent once again….knowing deep inside he would. Believing permit me get through the mean solar day. He was drunk every unmarried night.
Anyway….signal beingness, I'm in another "silent handling"….what he did this time is the worst yet (in terms of blatant cruelty-)….and despite feeling gutted, I REALLY want to go along him out when he inevitably shows upwards once again. I merely hope the lure of the momentary relief from the sadness doesn't win this time. Logically, I'm aware of exactly what's upwardly. I'm no fool. Merely I recognize I'chiliad stuck, totally stripped of everything by this man, and am running on fumes for self motivation and perseverance.
Worst of all, when I met him 12 yrs ago, his stepmom was just similar me at present: housebound, empty, depressed….his dad was a total monster to both of them (but of grade, my partner seemed different-)…she warned me to get out….that the men in this family were all monsters, and Ibwould end up like her – basically waiting to die in order to exist rid of the pain. I felt sorry for her, but thought it would never happen to me. The son (my partner) was so charming! 12 yrs later, I'm a shell of my former cocky. Unrecognizable to myself. Solitary. Hurting. Badly sad and solitary, and feeling worthless. (And clearly, sleepless, as I'one thousand writing this at 3AM!)
Summa 3 Jan 2022 Reply
I hope you managed to stay strong. Praying for you.
Whitney 18 January 2022 Answer
I accept totally been there, since my kickoff boyfriend at xv and the 4 or 5 or maybe it's half dozen or seven at present relatiomships I've had during the following 20 years. I know exactly how you feel… Like you lot gotta quit fooling yourself, cuz you lot Know the likelihood that you'll fall for it side by side time, and you lot're embarrassed to continue lying to yourself or anyone else when you lot say yous're done.
What I finally did w virtually of these relationships to get really done w them was getting with someone else when they were away doing their silent treatment bullshit. You know the proverb to get over somebody got to get under someone else…. Nonetheless ordinarily the people that would be the kinds that I would be attracted to are going to be the same ones I was trying to go away from Then usually I only started a whole new human relationship with some other narcissist by doing this. I'1000 at the signal right now though where I know that I can do that and information technology's easier to not be so attached for so long where I don't get so worn out and worn down by them anymore. Actually what makes this possible is by dating people who are totally emotionally unavailable, The guys who are obvious cheaters or multiple women kind of guys, or already in relation ships (that "are catastrophe") or ones at their midlife crisis who know how to be mature and over their horny younger days merely are actually but reverting to the same behaviors, just w less attwntion (and therefore less competition) from other women
It isn't what I want, of course. I need to break away and not keep myself distracted all the time westward always having some shitty relationship that I need to get over but I just fall for the good everytime.
Jennifer 13 December 2021 Answer
I think I might have borderline personality disorder. I did some pretty terrible things to my 76 yr old Aunt in the hopes she wouldn't leave me. She did- she blocked my email and phone. I apologized equally sincerely as I could many times. I actually feel awful about lying to her and manipulating her emotions. I love her and fearfulness she might be go east from my life forever. I keep reaching out to her by opening new email accounts merely she doesn't respond to my letters. Is at that place anything else I tin can do? I am having a hard time trying to respect her wishes not to talk to me. I actually wish I could plough back fourth dimension. It is atrocious to lose someone you truly care nearly and to have to admit my behaviors are what acquired her to permanently cut me off. Should I keep apologizing? What if she never talks to me once again? I'm heartbroken.
Hello Jennifer. Processing the by and dealing with our life choices tin exist a hard affair to deal with. We would honey to talk to you more virtually what you're walking through, you're ever welcome to schedule an introductory call with one of our team members. We're here to help.
Simone 3 Jan 2022 Answer
I experience stuck in this human relationship staying with someone who doesn't change at all or brand annihilation amend just talks about information technology. I am 5 weeks pregnant and i have a 1 yr old daughter . I've been trying difficult to stay and make this work but i am tired of the constant injure. I never go dealt the same hand i give him. I desire to leave in fact i'k always letting him know i want to leave to run across if he will change but see i'm here writing this so no no changes at all just empty statements and promises.
Hi Simone. We are pitiful that you lot are struggling with these things in your human relationship. Feel free to schedule an date with one our team members if y'all feel like y'all demand help.
HB 5 Mar 2022 Reply
I had to cut this toxic manipulative person out of my life. Around 35 years and misconduct repeated and evaded consequences this way, never learning to change. She blameshifts, will non see herself as the creator of conflicts.
So my married woman was in an abusive relationship. I understand that. No matter how many things I endeavor to alter information technology seems never good enough. She points out things to me that don't make sense simply I'll just do information technology. Example being all your shoes are downwardly here in a complaint format. I take then to our room on my side of the closet. I'm an alcoholic since I was 15 or and then. I'g 37 now but quit drinking for iii or 4 years now. We moved fast and I have 1 child who mom abused heroin while meaning with some other guys baby and gained full custody for two years now. We always co parented swell. So my one and her two. She always shows favoritism towards the boy. When I inquire for something only common sense shows I shouldn't demand to inquire, she creates this drama and starts saying I said it this or that style. She tells me what I felt and what I meant by it. No matter how I alter the style I arroyo the situation its always the same. I get to a betoken where I don't talk to her for days. She so apologizes and says we need to learn how to communicate. Everytime and everything I ask well-nigh always comes with a bout and she turns it into right or incorrect. Then insults me as in my person but says I said something hateful when it was changed to what I meant when I said it. I explain even for the time to come that if I'yard asking almost something then that's all I'm request. Every fourth dimension she gets defensive, plays victim or has excuses and starts telling me what I said. I explained to her that I'grand trying to talk with her using us, we, our, and she finds a way to flip information technology and and then I told her that when we talk she doesn't talk to me she talks at me. Instead of I feel like when you said this it was that. Information technology goes more like I got defensive considering y'all said this similar that and it injure me. Like how are y'all going to say what I meant and said for me as to why you felt something or she will say when y'all said this it made me feel like you are doing this. Like and so I made you feel a way. Aught about herself. She scoffs all the time which nosotros talked near and she says sorry but it never ends. She scoffs and says your mad. I'm e'er proverb why am I always mad when I'grand simply talking. She left me barely whatever food and asked if I needed more. I explained she cooked and doesn't consume equally much as us 4 exercise delight practise. She rudely says I was gonna have information technology anyway. Seemed like a joke just commonly you say just kidding. Whatsoever though I don't care. She apologized like v times maxim are you sure your ok? So I say if it isn't I can just go get myself something to eat. She scoffs and some other we agreed not to do. She scoffs at me in front of the kids. I say what was that? What are you scoffing at me. She goes cuz your all mad about it. So I say why are you but maxim. Shhhhh not in front end of the kids. Like I'm a b word.like she is improve than me when it'southward always this starting time to a fight I never started so human action like she is the bigger person and I just need to quiet. She has not been supportive of annihilation at all and seems more like she actually simply pretends to be so ill shut upwards. She once said to my face up she wishes I had friends to talk to so I didn't talk to her about stuff. Then tries to discuss makeup. Now I'g really standing up for myself and information technology's always the same with she is distressing then says this nosotros stuff and it'due south like and I accustomed this when I was drinking. I said for the offset 2 years I accept that I caused a lot of issues simply I've inverse and proved information technology. I said and then we had issues with parenting for about a year and I've worked so hard not to worry about all the picayune things. Now it's only been so victim excuses always siding with her son. My girl and hers are fed up with him and she blames them and babies him. He randomly goes in there room and trash talks and she yells at them and blames them. Her son used to do dishes and has a bad arm but did them just fine and excuses him from doing manus done dishes. She blames the arm. Yet he plays basketball simply fine and emptied the dishwasher just fine. Now he does trash and she tells him to leave it in the garage and simply expects me to accept it. She does all these things in the firm and sometimes when stuff isn't done I'll practice it but I said hey yous do as well much and that I'm more than willing to help but my whole day is piece of work so I demand you to say or ask and then I know and y'all can relax. She complains whenever there is a chance in anything where she did wrong and says she does everything. She uses Discussion all the time, y'all never, I always have to and you practise cypher. Everytime I'm telling her how that hurts my feeling considering I practise help especially when I'm off and the kids are home off school and it's then she can be alone and relax. And then she says deplorable and how she needs me and blah apathetic simply to do it once more afterward. If I say you shouldn't leave cans here and the trash is closer it's just all this crap I didn't say or mean she made upwards I did and information technology's like a huge bargain. She says she wants to talk and I'1000 at this betoken I just walk aways and now I say to her she doesn't want to talk because I was trying to and you(she) just gets mad and insults me and says what I said and meant. The girls accept been telling me they are sick of her antics. Anyway the one time I say maybe I should go paperwork because she won't accept anything and keeps maxim me. I'm like I'one thousand ill of existence told I demand to change when I meet nothing from Her. She however acts the aforementioned. Scoffs at me. Insults me and makes upwardly what I meant and said that insulted her I never meant or said . 1 fourth dimension I say it she sends me a pdf of paperwork and says she wants me even so simply respects my choice. Then says we should do counseling. She will give excuses for her son and reacts similar a b word to my daughter and her mom just stopped seeing or hanging out with her later 13 years of beingness the chief care provider. Her ex has been back and fourth with multiple kids from multiple mothers and acts like my daughter doesn't know the struggle let alone her own girl. I just desire to explain and let you lot hear what I'm dealing with because I want somone to run into what I'm dealing with. She won't even call her family for advice because one time while at her fams I explained something and they all explained how she can exist. She acts similar being a single mom was executed without help but all her family helps all the fourth dimension. I come from a loving family but with a lot of groundwork problems we all dealt with and grew from only I don't accept any family or assistance. Mom and dad just we never talk and they don't do that kinda stiff and I have a blood brother in another state with his own kids and spousal relationship. I'm just me. My daughter and I are just u.s.a.. We accept cipher to plow to and I dearest her but I feel like I allowed too much power and now am the punching bag for all her exes abuse and she learned some manipulation tactics forth the style to enable a way to show no remorse or emotion until it's a victim carte du jour I'm supposed to feel bad about and I've had a rough life some I chose and some not just it's like the small years of that can never amount to information technology or the mother card which I tin't take because I'k a male. I don't mention anything like that anyway because it'southward my ain dealings and you lot either suffer with a crutch or work it into calcium around the break and become better. I don't need to talk most it considering it helped me grow and that'south it. She seems to always wanna say that like I'grand supposed to pity information technology but y'all apply the aforementioned excuse for anything it begins to lose its meaning. Please help!
Dana B Koogler ii Apr 2022 Answer
Thank you for sharing valuable insights on this sensitive topic. I am coping with a family member who is repeatedly doing bad things to me and others, apologizing, but then making zip endeavour to demonstrate change. Total insincerity. You lot called it for what it is. I needed this. Information technology validates my own emotions and helps me frame upwards my own thoughts on the topic. I finally told her I was done listening to the "I'm sorries. I am paying attending to the deportment … non the words anymore." She was pissed, just I'thou not here to be popular. I think back to what Maya Angelou said about when people bear witness you who they actually are, believe them the showtime time."
How-do-you-do Dana. Thank you for sharing your story. We understand how you lot feel. These situations with family unit members are really difficult to deal with.
Miley S. xviii April 2022 Reply
Great article, though strongly disagree with the function about "testing" their willingness to keep talking. Conversations should exist consensual–if a person is burnt out and doesn't feel like talking anymore, (they should say so, and not lie with a imitation amends, just) you lot're not entitled to keep talking at them (which will simply push them to lash out or further close downwardly.) Nagging is a class of corruption, too. I highly advise against information technology, and even traditionally "feminine" argumentative tactics can be just as toxic.